The Five Moms You Meet On Facebook





Anyone else notice that there are five specific types of moms on Facebook? Here's how they'd all respond to a simple question in one of those local Facebook groups.

Hey moms! My 2-year-old has a fever. Any advice? 

 1. The Perfect Mom

"Oh poor you! My little one has never been sick on account of his amazing immune system. We also eat an organic, local, paleo, sugar-free, cruelty-free, vegan diet and he's never had dessert. Homeschooling also cuts down on illnesses. I just finished creating his third grade curriculum and can't believe he's reading two years ahead of his peers. Did I mention his immune system? He tested three immune systems ahead of his age group. Good luck with your little one!"

 2. The Mommy Shaming Mom 

"Shouldn't you be calling a doctor and not on Facebook? What if your child's fever spreads to their brain? Just please keep your little sickie home so he doesn't infect the healthy children at the park. I hope you've stopped reading this and are taking care of your child. Maybe if you'd paid more attention in the first place your child wouldn't have contracted the virus causing the fever. Way to go."

 3. The One-Upper Mom

"Fever? My child has ebola right now. It's awful. And a broken ankle. And she stutters. And don't forget the eczema. Here's a link to 40 photos where you can see her skin rashes in full HD Feel free to print them out."

4. The Natural Mom

"Fevers are a sign that your child's root chakra is cloudy. Are you breastfeeding? I hope so. Mix two tablespoons of turmeric, 8 ounces of breastmilk, and one teaspoon of raw manuka honey in a marble bowl and that should clear right up. I also recommend a crystal healing session to clear any issues that are still lingering from your child's birth experience. If you had a c-section that explains a lot.

5. The Relaxed Mom 

"Eh. Slap some Tylenol on that and it should go away on it's own."
Stuff Moms Say Approved Book

 Nobody Likes a Cockblock: The Children's Book For Adults Who Aren't Getting Any 



Excerpt:

The stars are out, it’s dark outside. 
I can see that there’s sleep inside of your eyes. 

Stay warm in your bed, on our door do not knock. 
Because nobody likes a cockblock.

The train’s leaving the station, it’s about to go down. 
My ticket is stamped for a trip to Pound Town. 

Your job is to sleep like the heaviest rock. 
Because nobody likes a cockblock. 

I love mommy so much. She’s my favorite cutie. 
Tonight I would like a piece of that bootie. 

Don’t ask for milk or help with your sock, 
because nobody likes a cockblock. 
-------
Nobody Likes A Cockblock is a hilarious children's book for adults about woodland creature moms and dads just trying to get their swerve on. It's perfect for birthday parties, baby showers, baptisms, and of course, wedding presents.

Coming April 5th 

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