Dear Toddler in My Bed

Dear Toddler in My Bed,

Thanks for joining us. I mean, you have your own little bed (one that cost over $100) with themed sheets you picked out yourself, but I'm glad you made the difficult decision to wear me down until I brought you in ours.

I have a question for you: could you sense that your father and I were about to, um, start naked wrestling because your timing was impeccable. This isn't the first time you've expertly killed a romantic moment, so I'm assuming you have some kind of erection radar.

Daddy was a little disappointed but I'm glad his light sobbing didn't disturb you.

You made yourself quite comfortable once you were in our bed, didn't you? I noticed by how you took up 2/3 of the available space and then draped your limbs like wet laundry over our faces and bodies, that you have no qualms about personal boundaries. Congratulations.

Can I ask what you were dreaming about? You twitched like a rattlesnake tail (waking me up, but don't worry about it) several times and a mumbled something about a knife. I just wanted to confirm that you weren't murdering us in your sleep.

Also, are you aware that you're 100 degrees when you sleep? I almost drowned in your sweat more than once.

I know it probably doesn't matter to you, but I woke up tired and sore. It's hard to get a good night's sleep with a toddler butt two inches from your face. You were farting. I'm sure you didn't do it intentionally, but your flatulence was as regular as it was pungent.

You, on the other hand, seem to have gotten a great night's sleep. You woke me up by manually prying my eyes open well before dawn talking at top volume. No, I don't want to play tag.

Toddler, I'll be a zombie all day and have you to thank for it. I mean, it's not every day you get to go through life with 45% brain function.

All I ask if that you not make any demands until I finished my third cup of coffee.

But who am I kidding.

You'll probably be needing your eighth snack by then.

Please be merciful. And tell me what you were dreaming about.

love,

Mommy

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Stuff Moms Say Approved Book

Nobody Likes a Cockblock: The Children's Book For Adults Who Aren't Getting Any 

Excerpt:

The stars are out, it’s dark outside. 

I can see that there’s sleep inside of your eyes. 

Stay warm in your bed, on our door do not knock. 

Because nobody likes a cockblock.

The train’s leaving the station, it’s about to go down. 

My ticket is stamped for a trip to Pound Town. 

Your job is to sleep like the heaviest rock. 

Because nobody likes a cockblock. 

I love mommy so much. She’s my favorite cutie. 

Tonight I would like a piece of that bootie. 

Don’t ask for milk or help with your sock, 

because nobody likes a cockblock. 
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Nobody Likes A Cockblock is a hilarious children's book for adults about woodland creature moms and dads just trying to get their swerve on. It's perfect for birthday parties, baby showers, baptisms, and of course, wedding presents.

Coming April 5th 

Preorder now: http://www.amazon.com/dp/0692636757