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Dear Husband, You're Not Dying. You Have A Cold.



Dear husband,

Having a cold is hard, I know. I hear you coughing, sniffling, and moaning...do you have a fever? I'm happy to run out and get you some medicine if that's what you need. A cold washcloth, sure. Orange juice? Fine. But hubby? There's something I need you to know.

You are not dying. You have a cold.

Please, I need you to cool it on the dramatics. The "I'm on my last breath" voice is a little over the top. Calling out to Jesus to heal you is scaring the kids. Is army crawling on your forearms and stomach from the bed to the bathroom really necessary, Lieutenant Dan?

I understand you're feeling tired, but are you really unable to move right now? Honey, you just took a four hour nap. The last nap I had was after eight hours of labor and even then a nurse woke me up to remind of my responsibilities. Can I get a little help with the kids?

Not to make you feel bad, but when I have a cold, I don't get to lay up in bed like I have malaria with a touch of blindness. More juice? Um, ok. You think you have the chills? Alright. You need a back rub. Now wait just a damn minute.

You know you don't have the plague right? This is a cold. You know those things I too get somethings but have to keep going on with normal life. 

 Nobody brings me juice (I don't ask for it). Nobody keeps the kids away from me so that I can sleep. Nobody treats me like I'm on my damn deathbed.

Husband, I know you're not feeling well but 1) I'm not your mama 2) You're a grown ass man and 3) You are not dying so I'm going to need you to pop a couple Sudafed and after this second nap, please rejoin the family.

I love you.

xox Me


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The stars are out, it’s dark outside. 
I can see that there’s sleep inside of your eyes. 

Stay warm in your bed, on our door do not knock. 
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The train’s leaving the station, it’s about to go down. 
My ticket is stamped for a trip to Pound Town. 

Your job is to sleep like the heaviest rock. 
Because nobody likes a cockblock. 

I love mommy so much. She’s my favorite cutie. 
Tonight I would like a piece of that bootie. 

Don’t ask for milk or help with your sock, 
because nobody likes a cockblock. 
-------

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Drops April 5th



Labels:

Comments

  1. Anonymous30 March 2015 at 04:36

    Near the kids? Where he has the possibility of getting them sick too? No thanks..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Skerritt-Burke30 March 2015 at 05:03

      You've missed the point!

      It is about how the mama does NOT get to stay away from the kids merely because she is sick!

      Delete
    2. Jenn30 March 2015 at 05:25

      That is true! No one tells ME to stay away when I'm sick...Mama still has to be in the thick of it.

      Delete
    3. Anonymous30 March 2015 at 15:24

      Hey Anonymous, thanks for ruining it...your sense of humor is about as existent as there being peace on earth.

      Delete
    4. Anonymous30 March 2015 at 20:16

      Anonymous, who do u think got him sick? The kids are the source LOL

      Delete
    5. Anonymous31 March 2015 at 05:19

      Haha! No kidding. We have four of them, and I've never been sick more often in my life! LOL

      Walking germ factories. Even the baby has had a constant stream of snot running from her nose, pretty much since the instant we brought her home from the hospital.........

      Delete
  2. Anonymous30 March 2015 at 04:47

    "Calling out to Jesus to heal you" - LOL

    Must admit though, my husband is so great to me when I'm knocked down with a stomach virus or a sinus infection. The sniffles are one thing - but some things require an entire day of sleep. If he clears the house of our kids to give me time to rest, I would do the same for him in a heart beat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous30 March 2015 at 15:30

      I get to sleep if I happen to get sick on the weekend. Weekdays, all bets are off. I could be puking and still fixing school lunches for the kids.

      Delete
  3. Anonymous30 March 2015 at 05:12

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous30 March 2015 at 05:19

      This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

      Delete
  4. Unknown30 March 2015 at 05:18

    Oh my god, it's meant to be funny.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Unknown30 March 2015 at 05:31

    Too funny!! And so true.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Unknown30 March 2015 at 05:59

    My favorite: "The last nap I had was after eight hours of labor and even then a nurse woke me up to remind of my responsibilities." Damn straight.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous30 March 2015 at 06:01

    Oh my goodness people this is funny...take a moment out of ur day and chuckle. My goodness...no wonder this entire world is going down the drain. Come down off of your judgemental uptight high horse and LAUGH a little.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anonymous30 March 2015 at 07:28

    We're missing the fun in funny. Lighten up people! If it's not your kind of humor, don't read it.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anonymous30 March 2015 at 08:26

    this is HILARIOUS!! AND accurate. I was 9 months pregnant with a 2 and 1 year old when my husband was whiny and sick. After all the years of man colds I had no sympathy. Of course it's the one time he actually had pneumonia. Go figure. Thanks for posting this much needed funny :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Kristin (kekis)30 March 2015 at 11:36

    Right there in the trenches of the man-cold with you, sister! Couldn't have said it better myself.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Unknown30 March 2015 at 11:39

    YES! YES! YES!

    So funny and true.

    And why won't they change their pajamas...like a walking science project...LOL.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anonymous30 March 2015 at 12:46

    LOL. My husband was convinced he had a brain tumor and after a week of talking about how he was dying took himself to the doctor. Diagnosed with "always scratches his head in the same place."

    ReplyDelete
  13. Beth Howard30 March 2015 at 14:10

    All of that. Every last word of that.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Anonymous30 March 2015 at 16:51

    That was so great and my husband is sick as we speak. It really made me laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Anonymous30 March 2015 at 16:52

    Hahaha! Yes! After years of dealing with the man-cold, my husband woke me up very early one morning to tell me he was feeling nauseated & needed to go to the dr. I rolled my eyes & went back toto sleep. He later called me from the ER to let me know yhey were prepping him for surgery....turns out he had appendicitis!!! Are you freaking kidding me? We, of course, STILL deal with the man-cold & when I don't take him seriously, he reminds me of the appendicitis incident. Every. Single. Time. ;p

    ReplyDelete
  16. Anonymous30 March 2015 at 20:27

    This is funny but not all of mommas go through this, my husband takes full reign of the household when I'm sick and does a great job. 10 year relationship,4 kids

    ReplyDelete
  17. Lex31 March 2015 at 03:01

    Ha ha, my hubby gets the dreaded man flu as well. He always says that he got it worse than me so I have to point out that I just sucked it up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous31 March 2015 at 20:25

      Scientific studies have shown that men suffer much worse from the flu then women. testosterone weakens the immune system. Men have 8 to 10 times the amount of testosterone then woman have. So think about the suffering you went through last time you were sick and magnify that by a power of 10

      Delete
    2. Anonymous22 April 2015 at 11:15

      *Rolls eyes.*

      Delete
  18. Anonymous31 March 2015 at 03:02

    Funny how no one ever talks about how women whine And complain for 9 solid months when pregnant..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unknown31 March 2015 at 10:25

      THANK YOU!!! Or for a week of menstruating.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous1 April 2015 at 16:47

      I take it you are both men - there is a difference between your body completely rearranging itself to build and sustain another life and having a cold. The point is that we go through being sick too & don't turn into mush from it, let me know how little you whine the next time you get a kick to the kidneys from the inside or a foot in your ribs or 9 months of flu like symptoms before pushing a human being out of your body. The menstruation is rougher than you realize for some women but I rarely hear any woman complain about it. I hear my husband's death cries anytime he sneezes.

      Delete
  19. Unknown31 March 2015 at 05:03

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Unknown31 March 2015 at 05:04

    Watch this and have a giggle

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbmbMSrsZVQ

    ReplyDelete
  21. Anonymous31 March 2015 at 19:36

    Instead of complaining about your husband why don't you go thank him for everything he does for you. like protecting you from an intruder who breaks into your house because you're too physically weak to protect yourself. Or rescuing you from the side of the road because you're too stupid to figure out how to change a flat tire. Or for fixing the broken appliance because you could never do it. For working a more stressful job to provide you with a house, money and medical insurance. Stop acting like your tough because you're not!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous1 April 2015 at 03:29

      Last time we got a flat tire with both my husband and brother-in-law in the car, I changed it. The heat coil on our dryer recently burned out and I replaced it. My job provides the medical insurance. Can't speak to intruders because for some reason that doesn't actually happen all too frequently, but since he works nights I'll have to just count on the baseball bat I keep beside my bed. My husband thinks a strong woman is sexy and when I'm sick he treats me like a queen. But I suppose describing your wife as stupid, weak, and helpless makes YOU feel tough?

      Also, learn how to take a joke tough guy.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous1 April 2015 at 15:55

      wasn't referring to my wife. was giving you a dose of your own sexist medicine.

      Delete
  22. Anonymous31 March 2015 at 21:36

    My hubby just powered through a horrible cold. Never missed a day of work and helped me with having surgery on top of it. I went back to work 4 hours later. As my lovely aunt says (who has been married 35 years) "you have the second best husband in the world" lol. This is great. Appreciate your partner's strong suits folks.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Anonymous1 April 2015 at 17:48

    Ok, I'll push through my illness if you don't turn into a psychotic, irrational bitch for 3 days a month, every month. Deal?

    ReplyDelete
  24. Rachel @ Lou Lou Belle2 April 2015 at 07:30

    Oh my goodness, this is hilarious! The dynamic just isn't fair!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Thiatas27 April 2015 at 18:25

    Ummm, ill just leave this here: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/active/mens-health/10536083/Man-flu-the-truth-that-women-dont-want-to-hear.html

    ReplyDelete

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